Lifestyle Factors Making You Feel Tired…

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I personally exp fatigue daily. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Panic disorder, GAD, SAD, and PTSD back in 2007 to the present. I have been on 150 mg of Zoloft and was on 5 mgs of Ativan for several years to help with my Panic attacks and general anxiety. My Dr, back a few years ago just stopped filling my Ativan. Making my anxiety over the lasts few years get stronger and stronger. I need something to change there but not wanting to be back on Benzos, due to my exp and hard core withdrawal that about sent me into a psych ward. Glad those days are behind me, but not sure how I made it through. I know, God, himself. The only way, I got through.

My daily routine is the same. I drink a few cups of coffee to get my day started, along with my meds. I then drink water for the rest of the day, due to my anxiety.

I need a lot of sleep personally. I sleep anywhere from 8-12 hours each night, keeping my fatigue and back pain at bay. Some days I walk our German Shepherd, Neyo, age 13🐶. He has a lot of energy still, being up in age. And needs to get out of the house. Depends on the weather, my mood/energy and my pain levels. He also serves as my emotional support animal, and has helped me tremendously with my anxiety❤ Esp out in public. He’s my hero!

I am currently a Live In Caregiver, to my roommate of 2.5 years. She has childhood epilepsy, starting at age 17, and also has Mental health issues, bipolar being just the main one to watch for. Her words, not mine.

Without being trained, during her seizures, he will jump up on her bed and lay by her. He starts by letting me know, starts licking her face and allows me to help her by her VNS and magnet to zap her brain. Making her come out of her seizure earlier and without further brain damage. Neyo is our family member and friend and we appreciate him in our lives. Dogs are so amazingly smart, loving and supportive!

Next week we see her Neurologists again to see about her migraines. As she has tried every migraine drug there is. She calls herself a lab rat, due to her rare seizure disorder. She has 4 different types of seizures and most Drs here don’t even know of any device, or VNS. As she got the first device implanted in a different state. This is her 3rd VNS, and depends on the battery life in each one. This is her lasts hope, and as long as, she continues taking her seizure meds, she has done better!

Then there’s her trips to her Drs, therapists and psych appointments that I dread going to. With her unique brain, she has memory loss and we often get losts at the bigger clinics and hospitals. Even though I may have dropped her off, because I can’t always go in. Too many people for me, mostly the disabled, elderly and the sick. It brings up too much anxiety for me, as I have not always relied on a Drs word.

Over the years, with my own mental illness, I have losts trust and respect for these Drs. Only if they would actually listen to us, and they treat us differently.  It irks me something terrible, as I usually go to my mom’s place to wait for her to get done from the appointments. We currently have no A.C. in our car, and under a heat advisory.

I take pride in my work as a Live in Caregiver. I don’t miss the 9-5 jobs at all, and definitely don’t miss the low starting pay. I was a waitress most of my working life. I loved having money in my pocket at all times, making people happy, and I just love food and cooking, in general!

It took me about a year to get used to working from home. But love seeing our teenaged son grow up. Homeschooling him, as he is learning disabled. Having the freedom to drive her around to get her bills paid. The compassion and strength that she gives me each day. As I can’t imagine being permanently disabled by age 17. Those are the finest times of one’s life, and not being able to drive ever again. That’s what every teenager wants, is to have that freedom and drive when they want.

At 41, now, I am still coming to terms with my own disability. Not being able to do things that I so much enjoy, due to my anxiety and being around people. My son has to suffer at times, I feel, due to my limited life strapped down by my mental illness. I have shown him a couple times, what it looks like to have a panic attack. All he can do is sit there and cry. And he’s seen a lot of my depression cycles as well. He’s a special kid, and often gives me forehead kisses. That’s my favorite. We say several times a day, how much we love each other😁

It leaves him and my husband feeling helpless and hopeless. I would love so much to get into family therapy. So they can help me explain to our son the affects of my mental illness, and the havoc it can take on my family. That I don’t mean to push my own needs first, onto them. I’ve always put other’s needs over my own. But grew up in a generation of women the same way. I don’t know of any different. But as my mental health care, self care, and rest, is all I can do, to beat it and move on towards the next day. I have to literally take one day at a time. It’s hard to make any plans, esp during the holidays, etc.

As the 2nd oldest daughter, and 4th born child, of six, I was always the stronger one. The daughter and sister, that everyone looked up to for guidance and answers. They all leaned on me to get things going again, or to get things done, and to take the responsibility off our wonderful mother. She worked so hard for all of us growing up. I hate the fact that I am no longer that strong, level headed wife, mother, daughter, and sister for them. The person I was is gone. The mental health issues and my chronic back pain diseases have taken over my past, very active life. I was once a Natural Body Builder who went to the gym daily, who felt good about her appearance and size. I was a bit cocky at times, but who isnt in their prime years, 20-25 years old. I had a membership to Golds Gym. I started working there in the evenings as a front desk attendant. My health was a priority, my mind was young and sharper. I felt put together for the first time of my crazy, hectic life. I don’t know that young lady anymore.

We, each siblings had or has their own mental illness. We have mental illness issues all throughout both sides of my gene pool. I am now seeing those that I love and gave birth to, being paralysed by anxiety. Both of my children have anxiety. I resent the fact that I passed that onto them. I wouldn’t want my worst enemy suffering from anxiety and or panic attacks.

Some days are better for me than other days. I keep busy, but only to keep me from worrying all the time.

To being plain out lazy and unmotivated. I go with the flow most of the time, often in a good mood. I try and be my best-versioned, and be the strong one, that everyone knows and needs.

I simply tell them, I’m not having a good day today. I need rest. Those kind of days can lasts 1 to 3 days, depending on my mood and energy levels. Thank God school is out, otherwise I wouldn’t have the energy to homeschool my son.

All I try to do is be my best, new self.  To be honest with myself and with my family. To try and be present and in the moment. Which I am still learning how to do. To remain faithful in my faith with God!!

Before I know it my son will be of age to leave our home and continue on his own journey. When I even try and think about it, it makes me feel nauseous and scared. I don’t know anything else but to be a mother. I birthed my daughter, at 18. I married her father at 16, way too young, now when I think about it. Back then, I had my personal reasons. That’s a whole other story.

This is my 11th year being without my big brother, Aaron. He passed by a drunk driver many years ago. His oldest son has just had his first born son. He’s now a grandpa! We miss and love you Aaron❤

I hope you enjoy your 4th of July and most of all, stay present. Love on your kids, and family. Hold them dear to your heart and never take them for granted.

Be blessed, and Happy 4th of July!!

Mandy, in Missouri❤❤❤

 

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Why You Should Start Your Art, if you haven’t yet…

Coloring isn’t just for kids anymore! Coloring has been a therapeutic method for years used by psychiatrists and other healthcare professionals to improve mood and induce relaxation in individuals. Here at The Mindful Tech…

Source: Why You Should Start Coloring Daily

I have had severe social anxiety most of my life and needed an outlet. I find that carrying a pencil and plenty of paper to write down my feelings, thoughts, and fears help ease those anxious feelings. I have found in my journaling, on the city bus helps force my focus tremendously. So, Its a win win for me.😊

Any one here journal on a daily or weekly bases?📖

During my research on this subject. Art and health can go perfectly together to bring the individual back to the basics and reminds them of when they was a child that loved to color or paint, etc. What kid doesn’t like to color or paint right!🎨

Anyone that isn’t a artists, like myself, can also find benefits when it comes to being creative again. But, first think about why you no longer enjoy to color, write or paint. Whatever, your craft is?

I quit because of my job, being a wife and simply being a mother of 2 came first. My Time was another issue and I was often already spread thin.

But, I was missing that Creativity aspect in my daily life. That left me thinking what do I excel at? So I began by journaling at a young age,13, to the present. I have always loved journaling and writing. It helped me escape from reality, my fears and eased my depression and anxiety!

I never could draw and wasn’t the artists type but always wanted to learn, but didn’t have the greatest self-esteem and, at that time, make myself actually learn to just do it.

My father was great at wood carving and painting. My brother is another great artists who uses drawing as a way to deal with his panic disorder. And my first husband, my daughters father, was also a great musician and artists.

So I was like why not learn now, that I have more spare time? Its never too late to start Art, a new craft, or DIY project! To either boost your space with color and your own style, maybe to bring others together, or simply boost your self esteem. Anyway you can free your mind and creativity for awhile! To be present and enjoy yourself while doing it!

Maybe you like going to flea markets and finding that simple treasure of old furniture and decide to flip it. Its smart and saves you money. I find that beautiful about a person. I find those people unique and in their art they have a gift! Their art, projects and unique style is simply extraordinary to give that master piece life again! ❤

What kind of Art outlets do you prefer?

Likes, followers and comments are most appreciated as I am new to blogging and story telling! I am having fun doing it and learning new things as I grow here in this beautiful community!

Hope you enjoyed this story today!

And Wishing you all happiness in finding whatever helps you enjoy spending your down time, while being creative.

 

 

Living With The Pain Of Rejection

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Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

via Living With The Pain Of Rejection

I can relate to this story all too often.

I feel like my mental illness is a curse at times. Making me feel rejected by others, including my own father. He has been absent most of my life and that made me feel abandoned at a young age. It also seemed to be why I choose to have unhealthy relationships with bad men for years. I still look back at those nieve, immature choices and think,”What the hell  was I thinking?”

I still carry those days where I wish my father was able and willing to be involved in my life. But he’s 64 now  and I’m 41. I don’t now believe in having a healthy relationship between us for many of my own personal reasons. I will explain in another blog.l l do wish him the bests and only pray for his healing. I also know that you can’t force someone to love you and respect you, when they don’t want to. Or simply can’t for whatever their reasonings. It could simply be that they don’t want to be reminded of their parenting failures. No parents perfect, I know that from my own personal exp being a parent.

It being Father’s Day, makes me realize that I am better off without him in my life. I have had to accept that fact many years ago when he left us for a new woman and her family, while he was still married to my mother.

I realized that there’s no need to keep living in the pasts, and the what if’s. That to see it for what it is and learn from it. Learn what not to do for my own children and grand children. To be present, and stay grateful for who I do have in my corner. To appreciate all that comes my way, good or bad.

 

How Taking A Step in Faith Changed my Life forever…

Hello everyone! I hope that everyone’s having a fantastic day! My name is Mandy from Missouri. I am new here and glad to be apart of this site! I hope you enjoy my blog and please feel free to comment and share!

Today I wanted to talk about Depression, Anxiety, and Anger. I was diagnosed with Generalized anxiety, and Depression in 2007, when something tragic happened to my younger sister. I became her caretaker when she had her first mental breakdown. She was in no place to be left alone and I stepped up as her older sister to help anyway that I possibly could. She was diagnosed with Schzoeffective, Bipolar, Major Depressive and panic and  anxiety disorders. As we left the State Hospital with about 8 different pshyc medications. My sister, didn’t even like taking a Asperin, lol. And most in our family was raised the same way. To let the body heal itself, and uses old school home remedies to get well. So, that initial shock of all of these head drugs scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t keep up with all of them and never had exp with despencing meds by no means. I would have to write everything down and remember times. It’s very time consuming if your a newbie. It’s exhausting, and sad once these meds kick in and only cause horrible side effects for her. She would pace all the time around the house all hours of the day and night. She wasnt sleeping at all. Like in a Manic state. She was scared to sleep alone, followed me around looking so losts and afraid. Was paranoid about everything. She acted child like and she had to be told what to do. Simple everyday living. So I contacted her Dr who released her telling him my concerns. And with her permission, I realized that she had EST, aka, Electric Shock Therapy. A very painful type of therapy that they may use on our loved ones. The Dr stated that its like a “RESET BUTTON.” As I began my own research on this type of therapy it began to let me know of other, terrible side effects of Memory Loss, increased anxiety and depression. It was a very intense, overwhelming feeling. Feelings of Me letting her down. Shame that I couldn’t help her feel better. She wasnt handling it all too well and so again she was put on another 72 hour hold at the Psch ward. I would visit her when I could. She was more drugged up this time then the lasts. It was so hard not to cry and to just take her out of there. She was given Lythium and other Head drugs. She stayed about 2 weeks this time.

As we returned her home with us she started to want to stop taking her meds all together. Said she was going crazy due to the meds, and that she’s refusing to cont her meds. That’s where the hardest part for me came in. I knew that as a mother of 2 and a wife that she wasn’t stable enough to remain living in our home. It all became to be too much for me and my family to bare. I carried around some blame on my part once again. And began getting very stressed and depressed about my situation. How do I kick my sick sister to the curb, she had no place to go. No one at that time was stepping up to help me find her a place. We called all around for safe places for her to stay but with her having no insurance, no job, and no support system.

 

 

 

 

I have been going on 3 weeks since my first born, and only daughter stop speaking with me due to my Mental illness. She is disgusted by me and is very angry with me. She keeps bringing up the fact that I don’t have a paying job. I do have a 24/7, a 7 days a week job as a live in Caregiver! I am my clients life line, voice and support system, as she has no family to watch out for her.

I will go back 3 years ago when I met her. We both bad fallen on hard times and met in a DV Shelter for a period of time. We started hanging out and became great friends. She asked me to become her Caregiver and Roommate and I said that’s the type of work that I am passionate about. It’s like God brought us together. It felt so natural and was laying heavy in my heart to help this woman! I even asked my son’s permission first to see if it would be a good fit and to also take us into our next chapter in our lives, and finding a home! When you are in a Shelter, you are put on a time limit to find housing. And you also want to improve your life and become a normal member of society again. It’s just a temporary stepping stone to get you to your end goal, and that’s Housing. FREEDOM, THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! It’s been over 3 years later and we are stronger than ever! She’s became like family to us! We watch out for one another and have fun!

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me! I am so glad to be here with everyone this evening.

This is my first blog ever!! I am super stoked about writing, as it relieves my stress and anxiety!

I am going to talk about how my sister’s suicide attempt changed our lives forever. There will be about 4 to 5 parts to this story.

I started my group org on Facebook about How my sister’s Mental illness affects us, as a family. Before my sister’s suicide attempt, we knew nothing about Mental Illnesses. My sister is 14 months younger than me. And we have a younger brother. Us siblings have always been close! My mom also had 3 older children from a prior marriage, but they were raised by their father. A horrible divorce proceeding, where he gained full custody and wasnt following their visitation agreement. So my mom didn’t get to see her older children till they were 16, when they decided to come stay with us.

Our father was absent most of their marriage and our mom was the breadwinner of our family. She had a great job at Boeing Aircraft for 23 years! She retired at 55 and began helping my sister with her 5 children, while my sister was at work. My sister was the breadwinner of her family due to her husband being a alcoholic and wasn’t able to hold down a job. Putting all burdens, stress and pressure on my sister and our mother.

My mom always loved all her kids and all her grand children! And she was more like their second mom. Which my sister hated, but needed the help. I have a nephew that is special needs, he was born with spina bifida. He needed Therapies and OT, and was a big responsibility on my sister. All but 1 child was in school during the day.  Daisy was working all the time to support her family and she was just tired. She began loosing weight, having insomnia, and started talking in circles, where she didn’t make sense. She couldn’t carry out a conversation without getting agitated. She was scared of everything and everyone. She shut down and started to isolate herself.

It was Nov 22 of 2007. I will never forget that day. My mother lived in KS at the time, and called me saying that my sister tried to kill herself. That it was a normal, ordinary day, as usual. That my sister grabbed a knife and proceeded to her bedroom, next to the kitchen. Mom was in the front room and seen her grab the knife and was asking her, “What are you doing, what’s wrong?” She didn’t respond and began to stab herself with the knife in her stomach. My mom reached over to stop her. Mom said they tugged back and fourth, both getting cuts on their fingers. This went on for about 20 minutes before the police showed up.

When mom called me crying, I could hear how scared and shaken up she was by it. I have never heard or seen my mom scared and shaken up by anything really. She was and still is the strongest female role model that us 3 kids had.

We waited for about 4 days and a state Hospital in Ostawotamie, KS finally called us. By this time I had made it up to KS to be with my mom and my sister’s 5 children, caught in the midst of all this. We all felt scared and broken. As I talked to mom she said that Daisy had been acting very anxious, paranoid, and didn’t want to talk or leave the house. Something had happened to make her snap, and until this day, we are not sure why.

So The Psych Dr in charge of her care called me asking me to come and get her. That she was being discharged,  after 3 long months of treatment. He didn’t want her returning back to KS but that she needed to stay with me temporary in MO. That their was too much stress going on and that she needed a change.  I took his advice and followed her after care treatment plan. I knew then that my responsibilities were just doubled. At that time I was raising my own 2 children and had a In Home daycare business. So I took a day off and went to the State Hospital to get my sister. I was glad she was okay and ready to be out in society again. That everyone at some point needs a change for different reasons. So I was invested in keeping her healthy and on her medications as needed.

I will never forget our car ride home. It was somewhat scary and awkward. She had losts more weight, was pail skinned from being locked in for 3 months, and noticed right away that she had the Lythium shuffle, as she walked. She paced around in circles before getting in the car. And she had this permanent smile on her face and would just blankly stare at everyone. She wouldn’t talk or answer any questions. She would just sit there and stare. I now know now that she was over medicated. Once we got home and I seen all her medications, at leasts 8. I become overwhelmed. She wasnt on any medications prior, maybe an Advil but that’s about it. The drive from the State Hospital to my place was about a 3 hour drive. It was hard for me to concentrate on driving, as she was someone I didn’t know. Finally, we get home to my place and I’m exhausted so I get her settled in and I go to bed.

Stay tuned for Part 2…

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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