Lifestyle Factors Making You Feel Tired…

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I personally exp fatigue daily. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Panic disorder, GAD, SAD, and PTSD back in 2007 to the present. I have been on 150 mg of Zoloft and was on 5 mgs of Ativan for several years to help with my Panic attacks and general anxiety. My Dr, back a few years ago just stopped filling my Ativan. Making my anxiety over the lasts few years get stronger and stronger. I need something to change there but not wanting to be back on Benzos, due to my exp and hard core withdrawal that about sent me into a psych ward. Glad those days are behind me, but not sure how I made it through. I know, God, himself. The only way, I got through.

My daily routine is the same. I drink a few cups of coffee to get my day started, along with my meds. I then drink water for the rest of the day, due to my anxiety.

I need a lot of sleep personally. I sleep anywhere from 8-12 hours each night, keeping my fatigue and back pain at bay. Some days I walk our German Shepherd, Neyo, age 13🐶. He has a lot of energy still, being up in age. And needs to get out of the house. Depends on the weather, my mood/energy and my pain levels. He also serves as my emotional support animal, and has helped me tremendously with my anxiety❤ Esp out in public. He’s my hero!

I am currently a Live In Caregiver, to my roommate of 2.5 years. She has childhood epilepsy, starting at age 17, and also has Mental health issues, bipolar being just the main one to watch for. Her words, not mine.

Without being trained, during her seizures, he will jump up on her bed and lay by her. He starts by letting me know, starts licking her face and allows me to help her by her VNS and magnet to zap her brain. Making her come out of her seizure earlier and without further brain damage. Neyo is our family member and friend and we appreciate him in our lives. Dogs are so amazingly smart, loving and supportive!

Next week we see her Neurologists again to see about her migraines. As she has tried every migraine drug there is. She calls herself a lab rat, due to her rare seizure disorder. She has 4 different types of seizures and most Drs here don’t even know of any device, or VNS. As she got the first device implanted in a different state. This is her 3rd VNS, and depends on the battery life in each one. This is her lasts hope, and as long as, she continues taking her seizure meds, she has done better!

Then there’s her trips to her Drs, therapists and psych appointments that I dread going to. With her unique brain, she has memory loss and we often get losts at the bigger clinics and hospitals. Even though I may have dropped her off, because I can’t always go in. Too many people for me, mostly the disabled, elderly and the sick. It brings up too much anxiety for me, as I have not always relied on a Drs word.

Over the years, with my own mental illness, I have losts trust and respect for these Drs. Only if they would actually listen to us, and they treat us differently.  It irks me something terrible, as I usually go to my mom’s place to wait for her to get done from the appointments. We currently have no A.C. in our car, and under a heat advisory.

I take pride in my work as a Live in Caregiver. I don’t miss the 9-5 jobs at all, and definitely don’t miss the low starting pay. I was a waitress most of my working life. I loved having money in my pocket at all times, making people happy, and I just love food and cooking, in general!

It took me about a year to get used to working from home. But love seeing our teenaged son grow up. Homeschooling him, as he is learning disabled. Having the freedom to drive her around to get her bills paid. The compassion and strength that she gives me each day. As I can’t imagine being permanently disabled by age 17. Those are the finest times of one’s life, and not being able to drive ever again. That’s what every teenager wants, is to have that freedom and drive when they want.

At 41, now, I am still coming to terms with my own disability. Not being able to do things that I so much enjoy, due to my anxiety and being around people. My son has to suffer at times, I feel, due to my limited life strapped down by my mental illness. I have shown him a couple times, what it looks like to have a panic attack. All he can do is sit there and cry. And he’s seen a lot of my depression cycles as well. He’s a special kid, and often gives me forehead kisses. That’s my favorite. We say several times a day, how much we love each other😁

It leaves him and my husband feeling helpless and hopeless. I would love so much to get into family therapy. So they can help me explain to our son the affects of my mental illness, and the havoc it can take on my family. That I don’t mean to push my own needs first, onto them. I’ve always put other’s needs over my own. But grew up in a generation of women the same way. I don’t know of any different. But as my mental health care, self care, and rest, is all I can do, to beat it and move on towards the next day. I have to literally take one day at a time. It’s hard to make any plans, esp during the holidays, etc.

As the 2nd oldest daughter, and 4th born child, of six, I was always the stronger one. The daughter and sister, that everyone looked up to for guidance and answers. They all leaned on me to get things going again, or to get things done, and to take the responsibility off our wonderful mother. She worked so hard for all of us growing up. I hate the fact that I am no longer that strong, level headed wife, mother, daughter, and sister for them. The person I was is gone. The mental health issues and my chronic back pain diseases have taken over my past, very active life. I was once a Natural Body Builder who went to the gym daily, who felt good about her appearance and size. I was a bit cocky at times, but who isnt in their prime years, 20-25 years old. I had a membership to Golds Gym. I started working there in the evenings as a front desk attendant. My health was a priority, my mind was young and sharper. I felt put together for the first time of my crazy, hectic life. I don’t know that young lady anymore.

We, each siblings had or has their own mental illness. We have mental illness issues all throughout both sides of my gene pool. I am now seeing those that I love and gave birth to, being paralysed by anxiety. Both of my children have anxiety. I resent the fact that I passed that onto them. I wouldn’t want my worst enemy suffering from anxiety and or panic attacks.

Some days are better for me than other days. I keep busy, but only to keep me from worrying all the time.

To being plain out lazy and unmotivated. I go with the flow most of the time, often in a good mood. I try and be my best-versioned, and be the strong one, that everyone knows and needs.

I simply tell them, I’m not having a good day today. I need rest. Those kind of days can lasts 1 to 3 days, depending on my mood and energy levels. Thank God school is out, otherwise I wouldn’t have the energy to homeschool my son.

All I try to do is be my best, new self.  To be honest with myself and with my family. To try and be present and in the moment. Which I am still learning how to do. To remain faithful in my faith with God!!

Before I know it my son will be of age to leave our home and continue on his own journey. When I even try and think about it, it makes me feel nauseous and scared. I don’t know anything else but to be a mother. I birthed my daughter, at 18. I married her father at 16, way too young, now when I think about it. Back then, I had my personal reasons. That’s a whole other story.

This is my 11th year being without my big brother, Aaron. He passed by a drunk driver many years ago. His oldest son has just had his first born son. He’s now a grandpa! We miss and love you Aaron❤

I hope you enjoy your 4th of July and most of all, stay present. Love on your kids, and family. Hold them dear to your heart and never take them for granted.

Be blessed, and Happy 4th of July!!

Mandy, in Missouri❤❤❤

 

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